You’ve probably been told you’re a people pleaser, and maybe you’ve spent years trying to fix it.
I want to offer a different diagnosis. People-pleasing is a symptom. The actual problem is seeking validation outside of God.
God is the only one who truly knows your purpose and your path, which makes Him the only one who can truly validate you. He created you uniquely because there are people who can only be reached by the person He made you to be. We all need the authentic version of each other. If we’re constantly checking with everyone else to see that we are in agreement, we’re no good to the people around us.
In the garden, God looked at Adam being alone and said it was not good. So He made Eve. Community is God’s design.
But many of us, women especially, have absorbed a quiet lie: being a good Christian woman means defaulting to everyone else’s opinions, ideas, and desires. That is not God’s design. He gave you your own thoughts and your own desires. He places desires in your heart. He wants your joy to be full.
And how can your joy be full if you’re constantly seeking someone’s sign-off on what you think and want?
“Delight yourself in Yahweh, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” — Psalm 37:4 (WEB)
Let’s look at Eve. The serpent’s pitch was essentially, you’re not really like God. She took his idea as her own. The fruit looked good and desirable, but it wasn’t God’s plan for her. His plan was the tree of life, and it still is.
She was enough all along.
We get to correct that in our lives today. We partake of the bread of life, Jesus. Jesus said, “I came that they may have life, and may have it abundantly” (John 10:10). God said, “Choose life” (Deuteronomy 30:19).
We tell ourselves that setting aside our own desires is good for the family, the marriage, the community. It isn’t. Why do we believe that everyone should get what they want except for us?
We all want to be known and understood. But how can anyone know us if we never let our thoughts and desires be known?
“You pick the restaurant.” “We’ll just do whatever you want.” “It’s fine, I’ll do what I want later.”
But later never comes.
My youngest daughter has three older siblings. Whenever it was her turn to pick a birthday dinner or choose a treat at the store, she asked them what they thought. That may look loving and considerate. It wasn’t. She wasn’t letting herself enjoy her own opinions and desires. She was seeking to be liked and favored by her older siblings.
We want to be known, but we fear revealing ourselves. So we stay hidden, and we’re lonely even with the people we love most.
Often, we learned a role in our childhood family to be seen and not heard. Many of us grew up with the idea that the father gets the best, the kids get the rest and Mom has the scraps because she loves everyone so much. In the Kingdom, it is different. God gives His best to His children and takes the punishment upon Himself.
We need to take the step to become authentic as adults. Instead, we adopt a new role for each environment and social group. It’s no wonder there’s a loneliness epidemic. We never let anyone see who we truly are for fear of being rejected. What if the truth is that no one is being authentic, and we’re a society of lonely people, unknown even to ourselves?
Self-censorship is a symptom. You temper every sentence with maybes and caveats, so you never have to stand by what you truly think, and no one is made to be uncomfortable. You hide behind an easygoing mask of indecisiveness. But God commands us to decide: choose who you will serve, choose life, choose His eternal reward over the world’s.
We all crave purpose. And when someone sees that we’re capable and hands us a purpose, it’s very hard to say no.
“No one cooks it like you.” “You’re the best seller for our fundraiser.” “You are so good at this.”
Their purpose for you may not match God’s purpose for you. Elisha burned his oxen so there was no going back to his farm, and he could follow the path God set for him. He left the plans of the people around him. Jesus made the religious leaders uncomfortable and would not be sidetracked. He even told Peter, “Get behind me, Satan,” when Peter suggested a different path.
Don’t be afraid of conflict. And if you do choose to let someone else’s desire take precedence over yours, tell them. Let them know you have your own opinion on the matter but will defer to them on this occasion. Otherwise, no one ever sees your sacrifice, and you end up resentful, angry, and bitter, a martyr without recognition. When I was living under the “fear of man,” God told me, “You are not a martyr; you are doing this to yourself. He also told me that Jesus was the Savior of men, and His sacrifice was enough; I did not need to add to it. OUCH!
The question is never: Could I do this? Am I capable of this? Is it a worthy cause? Is it necessary for the group?
The question is: “God, is this part of my purpose, my path, and my design?”
After feeding the crowds, Jesus didn’t stay to meet every request. He sent the multitude away. He went up the mountain alone. He didn’t wait for a gap in His schedule, because He knew the pull on His time and talents would never stop. He purposed time for Himself.
“After he had sent the multitudes away, he went up into the mountain by himself to pray.” — Matthew 14:23 (WEB)
As children, we instinctively know what brings us joy, and we do it even if no one cares. Somewhere along the way we start needing an audience.
Many evenings we binge reality TV and live vicariously through other people when we could be kayaking, making art, or singing. Watching our children grow into who God designed them to be is a real joy, but it’s the joy of our role, not our essence. We are supposed to find joy in all things, but some things bring joy without us trying.
Notice what drains you, too. I was great at math growing up, and a teacher suggested I become an accountant. It would have drained me. Sitting at a desk all day looking at numbers would have numbed my soul. Just because a thing is easy, or even peaceful, doesn’t mean it feeds your soul.
As a child, I used to stand on the porch and sing because I loved how my voice bounced back to my ears. My sister teased that I couldn’t sing, yet I sang anyway. Then, as I got older, I gave it up. I wanted someone to tell me I sounded good more than I wanted to enjoy singing.
I also gave up art after a fourth-grade teacher told me I was helpless at it. It wasn’t until I was a grandmother, taking classes with my granddaughter, that I discovered I was good at art. I rediscovered the joy of creation. I just needed a better teacher.
Stepping out on what you believe God is calling you to do, despite what others think, is scary. What if you’re mistaken?
Jesus said He’d leave the ninety-nine sheep in the right pasture to find the one that wandered. He has your back. You will hear His voice. Your mistakes can’t derail Him and His purpose for your life.
And you don’t need a résumé. When the religious leaders saw Peter and John’s courage, they realized these were unschooled, ordinary men, and “they recognized that they had been with Jesus” (Acts 4:13, WEB). All the credentials you need are right there with you, Emmanuel, God with us.
The alternative is living the life others expect of you. Among the most common deathbed regrets, often attributed to hospice nurse Bronnie Ware: I wish I’d had the courage to live my own life, not the one others expected of me. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings. I wish I’d let myself be happier.
We must stop seeking validation outside of God and reconnect with the desires, purpose, and joy He placed inside each of us.
Reply and tell me: What did you stop doing this week because you needed someone’s approval?